Wednesday, 7 August 2013

So Cross with myself!!

As anyone who cares will have noticed I have not managed to post about how to do water therapy yet. Why? Because I have shot myself in the foot so to speak and have been too ill to write much until today.

Last Friday I was upset about something and it all just served to emphasise how powerless and trapped I feel by my illness. I got myself in such a state about it and how I can't do anything to change this, I can't just apply my mind and my will power and BOOM it's all gone that I wanted to do something that made me feel less trapped and powerless. So what did this silly cow do? Well, we live two thirds of the way up a small Welsh mountain, so I in my hysteria dragged myself up the last third of it! I had to stop every hundred yards or so to sit down and rest and cry and the dog kept giving me concerned looks, but with no one else to talk any sense into me I just kept going. I got to the top eventually and I lay on the ground and looked at the clouds and the sky and began to feel a bit better. After a while I even managed to stand up and walk slowly back down feeling much better than I had on my ascent. I even managed to kid myself it was okay, there I could do it. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Well if I haven't learnt before I have now. Just feel like I've been unplugged again, my heart's been going random, sugar crashing again and generally feeling really rotten. The problem is even I had stopped appreciating how much progress I'd made. I felt like because I was doing so well when up and about and not feeling rotten that others who don't know me so well would think, 'what's her problem, see she walks, she talks'. I let this get to me, I let my own imaginings get to me, I forgot to remember that the only reason I was so good at walking and talking was because I had worked so hard at sticking to my schedule and building up my water therapy time. Well I will remember next time, however distressed and angry I am at living in this glass cage, I will appreciate that the walls had extended a little further, how easily they can fall back in on me.

This post is not about me moaning about how I feel, I want it to serve a purpose for others. I felt sharing this foolishness on my part may help others not make the same mistake.

Lets see how long it takes to gain back my ground, I feel I have gone back several months, it will be interesting to see if it takes less time than that to stabilise again and get back to where I was a week ago. Wish me luck.

I will blog about water next, soon. If you want to know when I've blogged next please do sign up for e-mail reminders. That's all your e-mail will be used for, nothing else.


  1. Oh dear! Please don't be so hard on yourself! I know how frustrated, and perhaps angry, you are w/ yourself but what you did is so "normal" for "us"! It's hard to accept how sick we are - deep down acceptance, that is.
    I'm glad you see a positive in this experience.
    I wish you GREAT luck in getting back to where you were before your mountain adventure and will keep fingers crossed that you successfully surpass that mark sooner than you can imagine! xx

  2. Thank you for your kind words. I think I will recover sooner.